Acid is not a monday night drug
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
