i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
