Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize