I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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