Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
