Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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