i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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