Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
