i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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