If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
