I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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