Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
