i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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