i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
home. puking in laundry basket.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
