According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
