I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
