I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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