your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize