I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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