What a fucking waste of an outfit
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
