Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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