he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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