Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
