This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
