Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
