Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
