You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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