i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize