You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
