i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
