I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Randomize
