yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
