my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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