Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it's like heaven, but drunker
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
