Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
