I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
