when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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