he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
