ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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