I'm eating all of the evidence.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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