I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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