the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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