i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
