we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Someone shattered a urinal.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize