Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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