the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
