It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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