Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
