Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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