alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
