i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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