My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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