What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
