I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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