There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
