i think i have herpe
just one?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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