Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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