how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
