Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
