u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
